September 3, 2019

My name is Trevor, and I am 1,908 days sober. My DOC (Drug of choice) was alcohol. Some people will argue and tell you that alcohol isn’t a drug. And that’s their own opinion of it. I’ve never been to an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting. I’ve never used a program to get sober. Some people believe you need a program to get sober and to stay sober. Well, I’m here to tell you that this isn’t the case for everyone. I watched my father go through the steps of AA (he’s open about his struggles and has given permission to be written about by me). He was one of the biggest supporters for me alongside him was my mother. They were my program; they continue to be my program 1,908 days later.

 Everyone’s story is different. Some people end up in legal trouble, some end up on the streets, some end up broke, in the hospital, etc. etc. If your story isn’t “as bad” as someone else's, that doesn’t mean that your story doesn’t matter less. Because your story still matters. Because you matter, your sobriety matters. Don’t let anyone downplay what you’re going through. You’ve chosen the path in life that you feel everything. Nothing to numb feelings anymore, or in my case sometimes let the anger out in a negative way. Having big feelings is okay, everyone always congratulates us on our many days or milestones we reach. But no one says “Hey, just wanted to say how strong you are for handling those feelings raw. That’s hard to do nowadays.”. Everyone is so caught up in the super fiscal idea of your sobriety and doesn’t want to talk about how deep it really goes. About what really got you to where you are now. How the problem started and what brought it to an end.

 When I try to come up with words to put on paper about my story, there is so much noise inside my head that I can’t make sense of any of it for those reading. In my head everything is in perfect chronological order. Trying to type out my entire story in “spark notes” style just isn’t something I can do. I’ve written about it in my other page (Tuesdays with Trevor) that can be found on Facebook. I haven’t shared anything about my journey besides milestones since 2021. What a shame. I just haven’t been able to put those “perfect” words into sentences. Well, I’m here to share some struggles of someone who’s got 1,908 days of feeling everything and not numbing with his DOC.

In late 2021 I sat at my kitchen table wanting a drink to numb the physical and emotional pain. I cried because of that instead. In the months following into 2022 came feelings of not being enough, why didn’t I die in that accident?  How ungrateful I must sound, right? Why must I sit here with all these feelings that I’m still learning to control and understand? How come I must sit here with headaches all the time, with the shoulder pain, neck pain, back pain, wrist pain?! WHY ME?! Yeah, I was that guy, sitting there playing the victim in my own head. Of course I wanted to drink through all of this. WHO THE FUCK WOULDN’T?! What I did instead was seek out therapy, reaching out to those who were in my corner, I leaned on those who were there during the early stages of my journey. Because I felt like I was right back there on day 1 needing help.

In late 2023 my 2 best friends moved states away. The 2 people who were there for me through it all. Mom and Dad. Crazy huh, Mom and Dad being best friends with their son. Super happy for them to finally be where they want to be! Leading up to the move I thought “Yeah it’s going to be good, I’ll be fine, I've got a solid foundation in my journey now.”. We can’t fool ourselves from reality. The day they moved away fucking SUCKED. Not being able to drive 20 mins and see them anymore wasn’t an option. It was up to phone calls from here on out. Finally found a hobby Dad and I enjoy together after all these years and now they aren’t just down the road.

Through ups and downs, year after year, one thing remains constant. My sobriety. Everyone has their own ways of coping with life events, good or bad. Most people have a hard day at work, go home and have a drink. Sometimes I envy people because I can’t just have one, and that’s something I recognize and get to live with. But I get to enjoy other things in life now that I’ve taken control. If you are currently in a spot in your life where you are fighting for yourself and you feel like others are going to judge you along the way, know this. EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE fights battles others don’t see, so don’t let that stop you from letting your voice be heard. EVERYONE has “BIG” feelings. Even the “toughest” looking person out there still has that little boy or little girl inside their head. If you take anything away from this let it be that you are not alone in your fight whether it be silent or not. Don’t let anyone out there tell you that your story doesn’t matter because “Oh mine is worse than yours” or whatever they tell themselves to make themselves feel whatever type of way over you.

There are people who have a seat behind the curtain. That person for me is my person. Merribeth Richard I can NOT thank you enough for being the person you are. You know that this isn't an easy thing for me. You hear about it more than anyone else, you see the emotions it leaves me with. And you do not put any sort of judgment on me. All you've ever done was support and stand behind me as I walk this journey.

If there is one thing you take away from this, just know you are not alone. Your story matters.

Stay Positive, Stay Strong, Do good things.

5 Years, 2 months, 20 days alcohol free.

- Trevorrgregoryy