September 14, 2018

Well here goes nothing.... I'm Bob W and I'm an alcoholic.

Here's my experience, strength and hope. I was born and raised in Alliance Ohio, A product of a typical blue collar family mom worked odd jobs while dad was working at the steel mill. My sister and I are 18 months apart. We had a pretty normal life except the fact dad was rarely around chasing the almighty dollar. My memories of childhood are different from my sisters. I was the typical heathen boy rough tough give zero fucks. I defied authority and rules because of that I was beaten by my mother most times with a coat hanger or a wooden paddle to the point where I couldn't lie on my backside to sleep. I believe that I wasn't loved or this was how love was shown. My first drink was around the age of 10 at a family wedding my mothers cousins sat me at the bar with them and started me with sherly Temples then but vodka in the 2nd 3rd and 4th ones. For the first time I had a sense of calm and that no one could hurt me when I felt this way. I then made it a point from then on to chase that feeling whenever I had the chance. By the time I was a Freshman in high school I was a daily drinker not drunk but drinking whatever i could get my hands on to fill the void and calm the ick I had deep inside. I played sports, hung out with the "cool" kids etc etc. but never felt a part of any group. I felt alone even in a room full of friends. By my senior year things had gotten pretty bad on the homefront and I typically would get drunk 4-5 days a week. I Graduated  and decided that I should try my hand at college at The Ohio State University, that didn't last long the first time around I was off to the races and my Alcoholism took hold. I made it 2 quarters before they told me I was too smart for school (aka academic probation). I took a quarter off to work and drink more because now I really felt like a pile of shit. I returned the following fall with a new perspective on college buckled down and was able to eek out 2 associates degrees without too much trouble. During my 2nd year I met the girl and we married after we both graduated. I couldn't find a job in my field so I started a career as an electrician. My drinking really took off again. We had a son and by the time he was 3 we had divorced because I was so self centered and would drink to blackout almost every night by now. I came to North Dakota looking for work in 2009 to help support my son and fell in love with the area and abundance of work. The other thing was these people up here drank like I did!!! I thought the geographical shift would help curb the ick deep down it did not. I met my current wife and we hit it off great. I was able to curb the drinking while we were out at first but it soon came out weird how that ism is always there.... We wed in 2013 and on our 1st anniversary I was able to gain my 1st DUI. How I hadn't gotten one to this point still amazes me. To say she was less than impressed is an understatement. We got through it and I once again tried controlled drinking. Guess what, it never really worked. In 2015 we were blessed with a son who is the light of our lives!! I continued to drink in Moderation with the occasional blackout. In february of 2018 we found out that we were expecting twins!!! This is when my drinking took a real turn I began drinking to blackout nearly every night. Our marriage was in the shits and my health was going there as well. May 9th is the scariest day of my life. My wife, at 26 week pregnant, gave birth to our twin boys. There's a hella story that goes along with this but that's not why we are here.....  They were both 2lbs and needed to be in the nicu for 3 months. During this time my wife would see them during the day and I would go at night to see them. When I left the hospital I would grab a bottle for the ride home and finish it every night. The ism had its claws deep by now. We got to bring both boys home by the 4th of July. I would help for a bit but most of the time i was drunk so not a lot of help to my wife taking care of a 3 year old and 2 preme babies. On Sept 1 of 2018 I was taken into the hospital at 9:00am because my wife believed I was having a stroke. Turns out I was just really drunk .40bac I was supposedly telling the drs and nurses I hadn't drank at all  even had one dr convinced. I was taken to Fargo to dry up and the next morning I was given the ultimatum to stop drinking or lose my family again. I chose inpatient treatment to help me. On Sept 12th I received the call that would forever change our lives. My wife called and said that our sweet Leo had passed away. I left inpatient treatment and rushed home to be with my family. The next day I took our 3 year old home to hang out then supposed to go back the next morning to see  his other brother in the hospital. Well not knowing any other coping skills I got drunk again and woke up at 4am and could not find my son, I went downstairs and found the note that since i read it i haven't found it necessary to drink. That morning I attended my 1st AA mtg that I actually said I was an alcoholic. My wife and I decided that I needed a project to help keep my mind busy that winter so I bought my first Harley, a basket case if you will. I rebuilt it from the bottom up through the bloody knuckles and reaching out to others I found this amazing community of motorcyclists that I now call family!! You all are amazing. I know not everyone's bottom is the same but once you quit digging and look up for help there are some amazing people out there. I have met so many people on the sobriety journey that are also motorcycle enthusiasts. Thank you to all of you that have helped me along the way. We are sober not dead, if anyone ever needs an ear to bend please reach out to myself or someone. This is the cliff note version fyi. I like what I get so I keep coming back!!

Thanks,

Bob W

aka @DeepFreeze Bob